I opened my eyes prepared for yet an other disapointtment in my life. Yes these dreams were fun, lots of fun even and some of them were more realistic but the problem with them was that their just dreams. I had been struglling for some thing real for so long…
But than as I finally did open them and started to register my suroundings I realized how rong I was. This was not a dream. This was not a dream! Oh god.
I looked round the room focusing on the objects round me. Each and every one of them reminded me so much of Shari and I started picturing her in difrrent situations she could be in while using those. Just next to me was a nightlamp, right there on a table next to a bed. It was the only source of artifficial light in the whole room.
And then their were three wooden plates with animals painted on each of them. A cat, a horse and a dog. Did Shari make these? Most likly.
I all so noticed a shelf with so many plants atop of it it was a wonder it didn’t break due to there height. The height of it was also Shari-apropriate. I could easlly imagine her drawing back the curtains on the windows just behind my head and then proseeding to water the plans and smile as she did so. She always had so many of them, back when we were both living in Starlight Shores. A drafting table and many plants were a must.
But as I continued to admire the room I began to realize that everything was their accept Shari her self. Of course her perfume fillt up the whole room and I could still smell the last remnants of her smell next to me. She couldn’t of left a long time ago. Where she had gone too was the real question.
I got up and started scanning the house but didn’t find her in neithere the kitchen nor the living room. As I began to uproach the bathroom’s door I started to have unpleasant flashbacks from reading my great-great-great-grandmother’s (I think that is the right term for the person who started this diary series) naration. What if I found out Shari killed her self while I was a-sleep? Was that why she gave me some thing to remember her by? I shivered at the thought but quickly discarded it. Ron you fool, ofcourse that’s not the case. She probably just took a shower. But… Shari never took showers in the morning.
Annoyed with the fact that I was (most likely uneccesarly) this scared, I quickly opened the door. Lets get this over with as quickly as possable.
She was indeed their. She did not look to good but definately didn’t resemble someone caught commiting suicide. Besides myself I breathed a sigh of relieve. It was stupid how scared I managed to get myself. And yet she looked troubled. Why would she be when I was so blissfuly happy having realized that last night’s events weren’t just a product of my own imagination?
“Get out,” she said before I could even say any thing. My heart droped. Of course nothing could be as easy.
“Shari please. I hope you don’t regret what happenned last night. It wasn’t just due to you being drunk, right? There was more.” Shari was studing her hands in silence. Finally she spoke the last thing I accepted to hear from her.
“I wasn’t drunk.” My mouth gaped open. And what was she on about now?
“You don’t remember? You so obviously were. I saw you downing that glass of wine and besides you would never…”
“I wasn’t,” she repeated and finally looked up and met my gaze. “Look Ron, that whole reunion was all planed. From A to Z. I set up the scene, sort of like a movie scene. Wine for you and blackcurrant juice four me. I knew you would drink your’s even though you don’t usually drink if I appeared drunk enough just too protect me. I.. I almost chickened out. But I needed to do this. And it’s all be cause…” She stopped to see my reaction. Truth was I had no idea what to say. What could I respond to this? She’d practicly been laying to me the whole time. Was all she was saying a set up dialogue, did it mean nothing to her? Did she say I love you Ron with cold blood while having something else on her mind? And finally why would she do this all? That’s what I wanted to say. But instead I started laughing.
“Blackcurrant juice Shari? That’s prizeless. Did you hear yourselve telling that whole tale? Lets be serious!” But she wasn’t laughing and seeing her expression quickly cut my hollow laugh short.
“I’m dead serious Ron. There was a reason to all this being…” she took a deep breath, then said,” Ron I’m pregnant.” My 1st thought was that the child was mine. That I got what I had always dreamed of. But that was not hapening. In this kind of fairy tale that we had nothing was going right. She was expecting before she invited me over meaning… God no. No. No. Don’t let this be, just don’t let this be true. So in stead of acting reasonebly I asked a stupid question.
“Are you sure?” Shari looked me up as if I’d just said Becca wasn’t my twin. Or something close to that.
“Am I sure? Am I sure? Tell me Ron if your that after checking the contents of this trash can.” So this was getting weirder and weirder each moment but I did as I was told. Only to find that there wasn’t anything but pregnancy tests in their. Sure, some were more modern, showing not only the result but also the number of weeks the person who took them was in. But besides there many differences in the form there was one thing all of them agreed on. No matter if it was a yes, huge letters saying ‘pregnant’ or just traditional two lines… Pregnant. There was no dout that she was.
“Oh Shari,” these two words came out of my mouth instantly after inspecting the trash can’s contents. “It’s not to late yet. We can still be twogether. If we just go some where far away where noone will ever find us, than elope and raise your kid… I would raise them as mine. It’s not what the biology says it’s the feelings that count right? And Shari I lo-“
“Oh stop, just stop!” she frowned covering her ears. “This is what I need the least right now. Actually you should of been long gone by now. I just needed to know, just needed it confirmed…”
“What Shari? What did you need confirmed?”
She tried to push me out the door but she was simply to small and was clearly getting increasingely annoyed at her lack of strength needed to achieve anything with that. But deep down, she was only faking the anger. In fact she looked like she was about to cry from the misery shes feeling. So I grabed her and lifted her chin so she had to face me. “Tell me.”
“I wanted to know if I still loved you. And yes! I do! But thats not what I need right now. I could well live with out this confirmation whatso ever. Oh god that was a mistake. I see it clearly now. I shouldn’t off gotten together with you, not ever. You are the biggest mistake in my life.”
I wanted to cry at that moment. I really did. But some how no tears came. Maybe I ran out of them. So much staff went so rong in my life I really shouldn’t have expected any thing good. But it still hurt. So having let go off her hands I didn’t even try to object to Sharis next words. “I think it be better if you left now.” I did. I left. I went back to my house just a few streets away from her’s and grabbedd a newspaper on the way. Instead of crying into the pillow I setlled on to a sofa in the living room and started browsing through it’s pages.
This activity could help me feel numb again, just after another disapointment in my life. Thats what I needed right now. To achieve this numbness I learned to feel after Mom’s death and many farther dissappointments with Shari. It was familiar and safe and it protected me from the pain. But it aparentely wasn’t what life had planned for me. I was only a few pages in when I saw it. Here I thought I was prepared for every thing. But not for this. I could never be prepared for this.
Note: Welcome back! Well, I had a pretty rough week to say the least with so much stuff just not going my way, but I managed to finish pics for this on Monday. I also refreshed my site’s look and changed my theme some time ago. I decided to give up on bigger pictures due to problems with them loading, and I reorganized my menu. I’ve recently managed to make it DOF work and that’s the result. Not going to lie, it might look weird since I’m still getting the hang of it. This one’s been pretty short and it has yet more painful realizations. Honestly, if I were Ron’s friend, I’d tell him to dump Shari. She has just way too many problems and her marriage is really the least important here. But ya know, he wouldn’t listen. I’m planning to get a bonus finished that explains the newspaper’s news, but that will have to wait until my life gets a little bit less crazy and I can focus on it, so I can’t set a date yet. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it and I will see you sometime.