The ride to Twinbrook doesn’t take that long. And fortunately, it wasn’t that hard to arrange it either. Candy encouraged me to take a break from caring for Reggie and trying to figure out where my daughter is. His constant complaints and threats do not make my life any better, neither do the police and the fact they still haven’t found anything. I think I’m used to talking through the phone. I mean, I have an app who talks for me. I just type the words and it does all the work. It was suggested that I use a device to help me speak myself, but after doing my research on the internet, I figured how horrible it makes you sound. I still feel like an older smoker, when I’ve never even smoked. Shawls are a constant in my daily stylization, just because I can’t look at the hole in my throat and I do not want anyone to have at it either. Okay, but first I need to tell you about the visit to my home town.
I am not quite sure what I was thinking when I entered into the building in which Mrs. Turner’s office used to be. It looks so different to how I remembered it. When I walk in, I am greeted by a middle-aged (who am I kidding, she’s probably around my age) woman. I reach for my phone and load my app. I quickly type the text.
“Good afternoon. I can only talk through this. I am looking for a woman called Karla Turner.” The woman looks surprised at my way of speaking, but she doesn’t comment on that.
“I’m sorry, but Mrs. Turner doesn’t work here anymore… She died 5 years ago at 70 due to a heart attack. I’d propose you our psychologist, Mrs. Thomas, but she is currently on a leave. Is there anything else I can help you with?” She then asks, studying me. I quickly type the next message.
“Does Mrs. Thomas work in the same office where Mrs. Turner did? Is it possible for me to visit it?”
“I’m afraid I can’t let you into her office when she’s on a leave, Mrs.?”
“Calloway. I’m Hailey Calloway. I’m sorry, I just wanted to…”
“Wait, aren’t you this famous singer? I absolutely adore “Family”! My name is Amelia Wallington. I’m so sorry for your throat, Mrs. Calloway. Follow me, I’ll show you her office.” I just nod and then, seeing the woman leading the way, I go after her. It is so sad. I wasn’t that famous of a singer in the past, but after both me and Reggie went through really awful things, suddenly everyone listens to me and knows who I am. I should be happy, but it only makes me sadder, because so what if I have so many fans now if I can’t even sing for any of them? It’s aimless.
When Amelia opens the door to the room, I am surprised by how different it looks. Everything is modern and shiny now, and yet I remember the pleasant, green room in which I was greeted by a lady with red hair.
“Mrs. Turner was such an amazing woman. I’ve known her for a long time and she was always there with a piece of good advice for everyone. Death took her too early. So, so early.” I don’t listen to the woman, getting drowned in my memories, but then I slowly turn to her.
“May I stay here for a few moments?” The female voice from the app says for me.
“Of course. Anything, Mrs. Calloway.” And with that, she disappears.
I study the walls, the chairs, the decorations. It may be pretty, but it is also definitely a very cold room. I can’t see how anyone with traumatic experiences would feel at home in this soulless place. It just reminds you of a cold office in which people spend so much of their time working. This therapist probably isn’t even half as good as Mrs. Turner. Something is missing in this office. I touch my cheeks and only then do I realize that tears are now falling down my cheeks. I cry because of what my life’s become, because I will likely never find happiness again, because cancer is slowly eating me alive. I mourn Becca, even though I do not know if she is dead yet, I mourn my Grandpa and my Grandma and I mourn Mrs. Turner, the woman who helped me get out of the dark place I was in after my father killed my mother whom I never really got to meet. I mourn due to the fact that I will never be a mother to Clint. I cry because Reggie wants to kill himself. I cry because I do not know if my illness will keep alive long enough to see my children getting married. And finally – I cry because I will never get to sing again.
All these emotions have finally come on the surface and they burst out along with my tears. It feels so bitter knowing how much I have really lost without any possibility or chance to get it all back. It is a hopeless situation. A trap with no way out. I can feel the jaws of a giant monster crushing me until there is nothing left of my body. For the longest time, my music was what kept me wanting to get up in the morning and feel alive throughout the day. I could sing while taking a shower or just performing various tasks. I lived and breathed music and music always came along with singing for me. I could see myself singing right before falling into eternal sleep. Of course, then I didn’t even think about it like that, but now I know that this is exactly how I felt. That’s why even though Reggie is hard to stand, I can understand it. Singing was like sweet chocolate in my life. It is possible to live without it, but life has a bitter taste then, and so what is the point? Mary Poppins sang about a spoonful of sugar that made the medicine go down in a most delicious way. If life is the medicine and singing is sugar, then what is life without it? And for Reggie, what is life without racing? Is this even life? It just feels so unreal, it is hard to describe.
But then I am overcome with a flash of insight.
My throat feels worse than usual and I feel as if I was suffocating, as if there was no air left in my lungs. At that moment I think that maybe I will die just like my mother. That I will suffocate on the floor in Mrs. Turner’s old office. But then I realize that I finally realized it for real. It is real. I’m not in a book or a movie, I’m not Mary Poppins or a nightingale who just flies and sings. I am real. I am alive. Alive without air. Because I’m a nightingale without air in its lungs, unable to sing ever again.
The truth is I will never be able to sing again. I will never do it again.
Note: We did it! I mean, we reached the end of this generation together. I will admit it – I have never liked or particularly connected with Hailey as my heir, as many of you know, but I pulled through. And I’d like to again thank all of you for the tons of encouraging comments, I am so glad to have such a great group of supportive readers. This generation was special as far as the photo-editing and featured image are concerned, we’ve gone through tons of colors, and idioms too. Today you get a surprise in your mail – because I gave you another extra post along with this epilogue. You get to understand the major characters of this generation better through O.C. Tags. Unlike this wrap-up, classic epilogue post, the other one is really lengthy, so I really only recommend that if you have some time to waste, lol, because honestly we will focus on generation 6 now, so this post is somewhat useless, except for me wanting to emphasize the change in Frank. Anyway, what are you your final thoughts on generation 5? I do believe we’ve come a long way with Hailey. Here is a recap of everything that’s happened in this generation. I hope you enjoyed the ride. ♥