Chaper 4.15 I Am…Halfway There

Warning: Foul language.

Six months of my stay in China passed by much quicker than I’d anticipated. One day I happened to be standing at the foot of the stairs leading to the base camp, in which I spent all that time with Deq. He was also there as it was him who dragged me, saying he needed to talk. Now he was looking at me, searching for the right words. I knew him well enough to be aware of the fact that he hesitated  only when he tried not to lie.


“Well, Sam, it’s been half a year,” he began. “It’s a long time.” At that point, it had already been suspicious. Such an awfully familiar beginning, something that was rooted deep into my mind from the time when I had my dating game back in high school.


“Go ahead, Deq, I don’t have the whole day. Adaeze’s going to kill me.”

“I need to leave,” he had quickly taken it out of himself before he had a chance to make up another lie.


“Leave? Me?” In fact, I wasn’t startled at all. That was to be expected.


“Yeah…not only. Look, I’ve been staying here long enough. I need to take a trip somewhere else to do my job,” he explained.

“It’s understandable.”


“You don’t care, do you? He asked, looking at me closely. I didn’t even bat an eye.

“I don’t.”

“I could’ve expected that. But I do, Sam. I have things I’d like to tell you. Would you mind it if I gave you a piece of advice?”


“Advice from you? Is that a joke? So yeah, I reckon you could, if that would make you feel better.” That beginning had already annoyed me to no end and I just wanted it all to be over. I’d been through it so many times I stopped counting a long time ago.


“I am not sure where to begin, but…please don’t be afraid. To be who you are.” He made a gesture toward my pink T-shirt. “You don’t have to manifest anything, really. It’d be okay to wear it if that was what you wanted to wear, but we both know it’s a really poor kinda manifesto. Don’t let your sexuality define what you choose to wear. Look, I know how cheesy it sounds, but you don’t have to wear the clothes you think are suitable to show that you’re the B in the widely known shortcut.” My chin literally dropped to the floor. I was seriously pissed off, but I was still trying to get a hold of myself.


“I don’t get what you mean, Deq.”


“You do, Sam. Think about the time you last wore what you really liked, something that didn’t show either that you’re as straight as a gun barrel or quite the opposite. You can be perfectly okay without this childish play.” That I couldn’t endure. No one tells me what I should and shouldn’t do!


“Like you knew anything about me, Dequan. The first rule is to live and let live. You don’t know fuck about what I am manifesting and what I’m not.”


“I’m only trying to help. And be sincere for once,” he tried to redeem himself, but I took no argumentation.


“Fuck off, you and your sincerity, and go back to the land where telling others how they should live is acceptable. I’ve been getting exhausted of you anyway. It’s excruciating, all your fucking lies.” He looked a bit surprised by my sudden outburst, but not as much as you might’ve expected him to. Still, he remained calm.

“Fine, I will leave, then. And I thought it’d be hard to break it off,” he said, heading for the stairs.


“Not so much, apparently,” I said snidely.

Deq left that very day. He didn’t even tell me where to- not that I fucking cared. I was better off without people like him in my life. Who would think that he would be just another waste of time? Still, deep down I had that feeling all along. I am not cut out for relationships.



“Concentrate, Sam. Your mind has been somewhere else throughout the whole training­,” Adaeze ordered, looking at me with a frown.

“I know, I know,” I tried again, but Adaeze easily blocked me. I sucked.


“Look, I thought you were improving, but now I see only regress. What’s wrong with you? Either uphill or downhill. No in-betweens.”

“I miss being in a relationship,” I admitted, surprised by my sincerity. Adaeze sighed in response.

“Let’s take a walk,” she said after a while.


Adaeze led me to a place called the Scholar’s Garden, where she sat herself on a stone, looking like it was cut out specifically for meditating. I stood next to her, unsure of what we were going to do there.


“I like to visit this place. It is so peaceful in here and all the green, the fish silently burbling in the water beneath you makes for a great atmosphere for meditation. And I’m here, thinking that it may be something just for you.”


At first I thought it was stupid as Adaeze told me to take my place on the ground in front of her, with my legs crossed. Then I was told to control my breathing and focus on just this task alone. In fact it was harder than I thought it would be. My mind kept wandering to Deq and how I was single again. That time I didn’t manage to achieve anything meditation-connected at all. From that day, however, visiting the garden became the regular activity during my trainings with Adaeze. It took me a week to start getting a better understanding of this. After twice as much time I was able to clear my mind and achieve great relaxation.

It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Focusing on my breathing let me take all thoughts away and just enjoy the moment. For once I wasn’t worrying about whether I was normal or if people viewed the world differently than I did. For once I didn’t feel like I had to check if my hair was still in one position or if I looked good enough.


With my head titled back I was enjoying myself to a crazy extent, one that I didn’t think I was capable of.

Meditation, however, wasn’t the only thing I did. As I reached the green belt, Adaeze said that we needed to focus on sparrings even more to get me ready for some sort of a championship. She also added that there was still a long way before me. When I asked her how long, she explained that I was somewhat close to getting to the middle of it.

I still remember the green belt as the major part of my martial arts training, because I have been training with it on for five years, which, contrarily, felt like the shortest five years of my life. This phase of it I refer to in my mind as the “meditating” phase, although it also involved a lot of sparrings.

Somewhere in the middle of this phase I started getting phone calls from work, asking me to get back. I told them to fuck off and it stands to reason that it was my resignation. I couldn’t tell how they took it, because I decided not to pick up anymore. I was very caught up, doing exactly what Adaeze asked me to. So I meditated a lot and always before a sparring, as she taught me. She told me plenty about the right fighting techniques and getting a hold of myself, how to keep my balance and my moves steady.


It was weird to think about the fact that I was nearing the age of 29. If someone tried to tell me anything about my 29-year-old self a few years back in time, I would probably say sarcastically that I’d never make it that far in life. It was sort of better then, when I could just focus on my training, which was excruciating, but at the same time weirdly relaxing. No cigarettes and alcohol were controlling me that time. It was me who had the power to do anything to my mind and body.


Don’t think I completely forgot about Heather. She was with me all along of course, close to 10 years of age. Her fur was getting slightly gray and I was getting used to the thought that I’d eventually have to say goodbye to her. It didn’t get to me, though. I said goodbye to so many people in my life, an animal would probably make no difference. I realized I didn’t even miss them. In fact the only thing I missed was being in a relationship and the feeling of appreciation brought to you by your partner. If it wasn’t for this annoying, nagging urge to find someone and feel important again, I would say I was pretty content, being halfway up the martial arts’ ladder.

Note: Because I have managed to plan everything ahead, I updated Sam’s chapter list with names for the upcoming chapters up to the end of generation 4. So if you are curious, you can read them here. I have also added publication dates, which are probably obvious as far as regular chapters are concerned, however you are also provided with the dates for the bonus posts about Hailey. The next one is going to be published this Wednesday, so stay tuned.


44 thoughts on “Chaper 4.15 I Am…Halfway There”

  1. Sam is not cut out for relationships unless he feels he is in charge. lol I wonder if that is the last we will see of Deq? Either way, I think this is the pattern we will always see with Sam’s relationships. I think maybe he is incapable of loving deeply.

    I’m not surprised Sam is doing well in Martial Arts since he is so devoted and determined to get to the top.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hmmm I fear that sense of contentment Sam has right now, as we’ve seen many times – especially in your legacy, lol! – that it’s the point where everything starts going downhill! I can’t say I won’t enjoy reading about Sam’s though, lol!
    I wonder if he’s going to find someone else, or if Deq will make an appearance… but most of all, I got a little startled by the gang’s phone calls. Nothing says disaster more than pissing of your criminal ex-buddies..! Hopefully Sam’s newly found ninja skills will be enough to keep them away! 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, just a few chapters till things will get downhill. And it’s not something you can predict at all, I’m afraid!
      Deq… I will miss him, I really liked this guy.
      Hmm… who knows what the gang will do.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Why this chapter ended so quickly? I had a feeling that I will read more in the end. I need more text. I can’t wait until Wednesday :C I was surprised when I saw Sam in his new haircut. Is this the famous hairstyle? Of course it is. Sam and Deq are very fashionable. They change haircuts and clothes all the time. Sam has bigger biceps than before right? I guess… So, this is the legendary day when Deq is leaving. It had to happen some day. I was hoping Deq say he want to go somewhere with Sam but it didn’t happen. I think Sam is pretending that he don’t care. He got used to Deq and he will be missing him (a little bit). When it comes to the exercises, Sam is in the halfway to success. I can’t believe time flies so fast. He is almost 30 years old and Heather will be dead soon. The tragic end is carefully coming. Anyway, I glad Sam learned meditation and achieved green belt. I’m expecting I will see some Chinese by his side in the next chapters. He can’t be alone for a long time. ‘Quick one’ will be a good thing for him 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry, fortunately the bonus is longer, so you will have a good read on Thursday 😉
      Hmm…I am not sure whether it’s famous or not, but it’s definitely a new hairstyle. Oh, Sam and Deq’s hairs grow very long and they need to take care of it. Also, it is said that gays care about themselves more than heterosexual guys- although that’s probably a really silly stereotype. Yes, he earned himself this biceps a few chapters ago while he was working out for his job.
      Oh, nope, Deq realizes Sam is too focused on his training to give up on everything and travel with him.
      You are probably right, Sam will be missing him, even if just a bit.
      Time sure flies!
      Who knows about possible future partners…

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  4. Wow, Sam is half way there. Good for him. I’m not surprised though. He is the type of persona that once he sets his mind onto something there is no stopping him.
    Sam wants a relationship because he wants to feel validated by another person. He is only happy when they are doing what he wants and he is getting what he needs from them.
    But Deq was right to leave. I am really going to miss him though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s Sam. He really is determined. That’s one of his good traits, there aren’t many of them, though.
      Sam needs someone to support him, but he won’t support anyone in return. He only gets into one-sided relationships and he only takes until there’s nothing more to drain this person out of.
      Deq was right to leave. No one can endure a long time with Sam. He is tiring and the relationship with him isn’t a nice thing. I am going to miss him, too. Somehow I grew pretty attached to him and used to him being there. But I couldn’t let his character be forced to stay in China with Sam for such a long time. No one would believe that their relationship would grow as strong, too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No,unfortunately. Ah, Deq. He is super cute. I also used his character to bring about this bit about Sam overly manifesting everything. He is still afraid of himself and he thinks clothes are going to help him. Deq on the other hand has no problems with being gay. He really just wanted to support him after all, but that’s Sam..He wouldn’t appreciate it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sam does use his obsession with his clothes and his looks as a sort of shield against any prejudices but they also hurt him.
        And now I am off to read the rest of the chapter titles to see if I can guess what will happen (even though I know that I will never guess correctly).

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Rosemary Marie does the same thing with Noble Doubt and I can never guess what she is up to either. Although it is fun to try. 🙂
        And it will remind me to be on the lookout for the Hailey updates, since I somehow missed the first one when it first came out.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I know! I never thought I’d be able to plan ahead this far, but I somehow did. So that’s it unless I unexpectedly change my plans, which I do really often. I took notes on my phone for chapters and then did everything differently. Lol, I have too many ideas.
        Next Hailey update on Wednesday, set a reminder, haha. It’s long and sad, though.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. love Chinese theme, and the training, reminds me of the Kitana`s training, but you done it a lot better, of course mine was with swords, the picture are so good jowita, is that bridge part of the world, I cant remember seeing it before,(place called the Scholar’s Garden) there always one great screen shot in every part, I think is the one is you`re money shot for this part, ♥ great story ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you like it. Sam is disciplined so I decided to base his generation on the martial arts training. I really love it in China ❤ I don't know if I've done it a lot better, those are just my imagination combined with in-game training and animations. I'm so glad you like the screenshots. I guess my lighting mod helps to make the world even more gorgeous if that's possible. Here is about the Scholar's Garden and Chinese gardens in general: I'm so glad you like the story!

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  6. I’m all caught up :O It’s good because hey – I’m caught up! But bad because no more binging for me. I am looking forward to reading the chapters as they come out, though 😀
    This was great! I like the martial arts journey. And I think Deq really figured Sam out. Deep inside, he needs approval, especially from a romantic partner, but at the same time he’ll never have any meaningful relationship because of his lack of empathy. It’s pretty sad, actually. Not that I don’t still think Sam’s a dummy face 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are, congratulations! I hope you enjoyed this journey with my characters. And I look forward to seeing you as the story progresses. Bonus post’s on Wednesday 😀 I know the feeling of relief you finally caught up, and then sadness for you can’t binge read. That’s a real problem with catching up!
      I’m glad you like it. I decided to swing towards martial arts since we all know Sam won’t do family stuff and I had to fill this part of his generation with something. Disciplined trait made me come up with this idea and also his LTW. I know Deq figured Sam out, because I slyly used his character to tell you more about Sam, what he won’t ever tell us himself, haha. He cared for him enough to tell him this sincerely, but Sam wouldn’t appreciate as much. Haha, a dummy face. Are you going to call him that for the rest of his generation? Lol.

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  7. I don’t see how Sam could ever have a healthy relationship. I feel bad for anyone who gets involved with him! Poor Deq. Though he wasn’t fooling himself, at least, so hopefully he didn’t get hurt with the way Sam responded.
    I wonder if the gang will find him. But he is all the way in China, and if it took them this long to ask him to come back to work then I’m sure if they bother getting him back then he’ll be too badass by that time!
    Mediation is good for the soul, it seems to be doing Sam some good too!
    Poor old Heather :C I wonder if Sam will actually be sad by her death, when her time comes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sam is not capable of getting involved in a healthy relationship. His only goal is to take, but he’s not willing to give. So everyone he is in a relationship will probably eventually see that, as he consumes all his partners and takes until he can’t anymore. That’s why all of his relationships come to an inevitable end.
      I am not sure whether the gang has the time and patience to run after Sam all the way to China. What for? It’s not like what he knows will do any damage abroad.
      I think it helps Sam, too!
      Who knows, everyone eventually has to die :c

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  8. I guess that breakup went as well as it could. I thought maybe their personalities would keep them together since out of everyone Sam has dated, Deq seems to be the most similar to his personality. It’s funny that even when they broke up neither of them seemed to have attachment for each other. They really are similar in their approach to relationships. Both of them probably expected it to end before too long, so no broken hearts.

    That’s really interesting what Deq said to Sam. He still has that insecurity with being himself.

    Heather ❤ I'll be sad when she goes. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, they are in fact really similar. Both of them knew it eventually had to end so it did. Things aren’t as colorful when it comes to dating Sam.
      That’s true. Sam never quite got over it.
      Noo, Heather 😦

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  9. Woah, first off I’m surprised Deq actually gave Sam some sound advice before leaving… and typical Sam didn’t listen or care. I wonder how many cycles of these failed relations he has to go through before he finally realizes he needs to change himself and how he treats/views people before he ends up alone… Also, is this the last we see of Deq? He really provided no info as to where he was headed, lol.
    Again, I’m still surprised Sam is sticking to his martial arts so well – I really thought he’d give up at some point, but now I’m kinda routing for him to master it and seeing how he feels when he manages to do so.
    I’m also curious to seeing if he will really feel nothing if/when Heather goes… maybe he’ll experience a new sense of loneliness/loss that might make him change or crave new companionship… but then again, it’s Sam so maybe not XD
    Also, I have to say your chapter list looks quite awesome! It’s cool that you have everything all planned out so far ahead. I have to say I’m most looking forward to chapter 4.20 just because I can’t imagine Sam referring to himself as a father or even acknowledging Hailey at all after dumping her with Gemma & Dellie…
    Great chapter! 🙂

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    1. Yes, Deq, in contrary to Sam, isn’t really a bad guy. He had a much worse childhood which shaped him the way it did, hence the lying. But he is a good person, better than Sam at least. Lol, who knows?
      Sam and sense of loss… hilarious.
      Yes, because of the bonuses I started planning gen 5, so I have it planned really far ahead. Hm… this one is interesting, just before the storm of the last two chapters!

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  10. When Sam removes that block of ice from his heart, maybe then he could try a relationship. But he said it himself, when he referred to missing that person to make him feel good. I pity any guy who takes him on and stays!

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  11. Another deception, and another advice Sam chose not to listen to. Or maybe he listened but as usual got mad. Will Adaeze succeed in straightening him out? He really needs someone who he can have an adult conversation with and who he can confide in and take advice from without getting mad.

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      1. I know. It was so frustrating. I was going through so much writing some of his stuff. You see, I have some sort of social anxiety and worrying about the response I may get on my writing often gets the best of me…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I don’t think you should worry so much about that, I’ve rapidly scrolled through the comments and they seem all positive. Anyway, you can never please everybody out there, so the most important is for you to feel you’ve achieved something special and that you’re bringing joy, smiles, surprise and even tears to the people reading you!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I know. I worry too much and I can be highly sensitive. People here are so welcoming and kind, though I have it hard to believe in compliments about myself, because I can be super dissatisfied with my work. Thank you so much!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. We can’t all be like Sam, lol! I’ve already told you that I’m a fast reader, but I’m really slow when it comes to publishing my chapters. I write, then I leave it for a week or so, then I pick it up and write again, adds it to WP, and then I start over from scratch adding, adding, adding. My chapters rarely stay below 5,000 words and I’m proof reading several times. Can’t let my students find errors if they read me, or God forbid, colleagues! *wipes brow*

        Liked by 1 person

      5. No, and it’s good that we’re not like him!
        Hm… Yes, I think I would have catched up sooner, but my chapters are rarely above 2000 words and yours are quite long and my eyes hurt a lot when I spend too much time on my computer hence why you might find me a bit slow.
        What a painstaking job! I admire you for that. Well, I proofread my chapters, too, to the best of my ability, which is sometimes not enough. I am not an expert, still.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I wish Deq didn’t leave, but at the same time, I’m wondering if he realized that Sam isn’t a good boyfriend and really didn’t love him. I don’t really think Sam can truly love anyone. In all the time we’ve known him, he’s never REALLY loved. Not in the ‘I’d do anything for them’ way. And for that, I think it was a good choice for Deq himself to leave. I think the fun of the casual relationship fell away for him to realize nothing was really there. Deq really does seem to be a good guy and he gave Sam some good advice, even if Sam didn’t care. I still love Eam and Adaeze’s friendship. She isn’t scared to stand up to him and tell him what he’s doing wrong and I think it grounds him a little, at least for now. When he gets to the highest level, though… and I can’t believe Heather the dog is already 10 years old. I wonder if he’ll get another dog when she passes – it seems to be his only stable relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think they both knew their relationship was more like FWB type of thing. Neither loved their partner. But, here’s a fun fact: I was playing Hailey and Sam was living in the same town, in his house with Deq. Story progression actually got Sam to propose and those two got married, which I found really hilarious. No, Sam isn’t capable of loving anyone. He cares too much for himself.
      Deq did give Sam some good advice. You can see how rapidly Sam’s sense of fashion changed after he met Aaron and realized he was confident in his sexuality. It’s all just an act and he’s always torn between acting like a straight guy or a gay, which makes him go to extremes to prove he’s either this or that, when in fact he’s neither.
      I loved Sam and Adaeze relationship! Many people in the comments started shipping them at the time I was writing it, but I always saw Adaeze as lesbian and never thought she and Sam would work out. She and her girlfriend Biyu both were attracted to Sam in my game, though! Biyu was bi if you asked my game. I actually determined all their sexualities because I took two townies – Biyu and Adaeze – living together and made them a couple 😛 I also set Sam’s orientation through mods, and I think I made him 50/50 or so. Most EA characters who are single have very low numbers, which is why a lot of people were falling for Sam.
      Ah, Heather… Yup, she’s getting old.

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